THESIS ohhhhhh!!!! THESIS

Before starting to write...i took a very deep breath and sigh!!!... idk why...hearing n mentioning the word thesis and "permanent head damage" (PhD) really make my brain SERABUT....why ... why...why...idk.  Partially maybe I've been working on it for 2 1/2 challenging years with a sleeping supevisor, no clue whether i am on the right track, nobody cares what i am doing.. (of course la kan...siapa peduli), and with all the "things" that i had to go through, constructing the new instrument, distributing it for the pilot study, and analyzing it.  Again..to get the actual data, i hv to distribute to the actual respondents which took about  3 months to collect it back ...PERSONALLY..ya ALLAH ..bersyukurnya engkau berikan aku tahap kesabaran yang agak tahap gaban jugalah and again analyzing it. Not mentioning that i explored all the UNIV library to get info for my conceptual framework.  And... and...and...hmmm the worst part was when  i lost all my 1 year  journals, articles, proposal that i hv collected and written   I cried day and night, i think if it allows blood to flow, boleh kot air mata darah.  I have to start all over again and reminding myself.."ROZILAH...NEXT TIME PLEASE SAVE YOUR WORK IMMEDIATELY"  lepas tulis jer terus save, save, save.  And i start to save (until now) one in my C drive, another one in my D drive, in my external disk, send whatever i have written to my emailssss..., and not to forget the DROPBOX.   Macam nak giler when every end of the day u hv to save it everywhere, even though the process is just like taking a breath.   With all these i started to concur what others PhD candidates had quoted "PhD IS A LONELY JOURNEY"...believe me it is..it is and it is.  For the first 6 months I rejected the Hypothesis..and now kinda accepting the Hyhpothesis.


I started to neglect my house chores, my cooking, my small garden and  my precious family. I remember my illegal supervisor, Dr. Ismael (haha i said illegal becoz uitm did not approve him to be my co-supervisor but i still consult him, Who cares right! as long as i can finish my thesis),  "Rozilah...forget about yr hobbies, entertainments, fav channels, cooking, husband and children too.."gulp"..focus on yr thesis please." and i like...No way...i need the entertainments..and especially my family.  He was mumbling about seeing my pictures through my fb wall.."pergi tengok bola la, celebrating bday la..jalan jalan here an there"  and u know what from that day onwards i limit myself to post any pictures of me with  any events or entertainments i involved with....ha ha...tipuu kan...pergi juga but this time...i always beg my friends not to post any pictures of me having fun.   I met Dr Ismael in one of the conferences that i went.  He is a palestine, a very hard working guy and kind too.   He was the one who directed me to the tunnel and alhamdulillah i start to see the light of the tunnel at the end of it. A small tiny dot light and   I realize I still hv a long journey to reach there and need to work and get it done!


My hubby is very helpful. .thank you very much..love you..  (banyak tolong sgt sgt) and masyaALLAH he understands well why i start to neglect everything at home..(tolong buat house chores, if he sees me writing and working on it, walaupun sometimes aku ber FB. he he).  To my children...minta maaf banyak banyak..sebab dah lama x pergi holidays...hmmm nanti lepas habis phd mama ni kita gi holiday ok...My good friend yg x boleh lupa..NER... YA ALLLAH...kau saja yg boleh balas budi dia.. she helps me a LOT...Thank you ner..JASA Mu di kenang.  My other good friend SHEREEN who continuously giving me info and teaching me here and there..shereen who drives me on what to do next....tqvm dek...but nowadays..she is also busy with her data..and i start to lose her.  Both of us "banyak criter" to share..love it!  Miss her company too..


And now...i am continuously writing day and night to reach the end of the tunnel..and hope to see more lights in the tunnel....tqvm Dr. Ismael who really cares what i am doing now.... Ya ALLah,  sesungguhnya aku bersyukur keranadoa doa ku yang telah diperkenankan...tiada yg lebih mengetahui selain dari KAU yang SATU..  Alhamdulilah....

YA ALLAH...

EVERYTIME I READ IT 

I FEEL

HEARTBREAKING

HEART RENDING

AND

POIGNANT

DO I DESERVE THAT.....

GOD..PLS FORGIVE ME..

LEGA...WHAT A RELIEF....

S.T.R.E.S.S .... D.E.P.R.E.S.S....S.A.K.I.T.H.A.T.I... K.E.S.A.L....

..............AND WHY IT HAS TO BE THIS WAY......
N I REGRET IT..

......AND WHY I FEEL SO "TAK SEDAP HATI"

TIPS MENGENALI ORG LELAKI ...(dedicated to my daughters!)

CERITA INI TIDAK ADA KENE MENGENE DENGAN YG HIDUP ATAU PUN YANG MATI..IA SEKADAR HIBURAN DAN UNTUK TATAPAN ANAK ANAK SAYA YG DAH REMAJA...ADUSSS!!DAH PANDAI RASA NAK BERCINTA..SEMOGA MENEMUI JALAN YG BENAR DAN TIDAK MENSIA-SIAKAN 'TRUST' YANG TELAH MAMA BERIKAN.  PANDAI PANDAI MENJAGA DIRI MENGIKUT LUNAS LUNAS ISLAM, JANGAN SAMPAI PERASAAN ANDA  MENGGANGGU KETENTERAMAN ORANG SEKELILING YANG MUNGKIN AKAN SUKA MELIHAT DAN MENDENGAR DAN JUGA TIDAK KURANG YANG MUAK DENGAN PERASAAN KITA YANG TANPA DISEDARI TELAH MEMBUATKAN ORANG MERASA IRI HATI, MUAK DAN MARAH.  SEMOGA PANDAI MENILAI YANG BAIK DAN YANG BURUK 

Orang lelaki...lelaki ni ada macam macam perangai.  SATU PERKARA yang kita kene ingat..lelaki ni..semua x kira siapa..tok kadi ke, lebai ke, pemandu lori ke, pegawai ke sesiapa yang bergelar lelaki la....IALAH  ...EGO..  Pergh!!! sgt sgt tinggi, tinggi lagi dari gunung everest.  Ego lelaki ni boleh buat gunung Everest tu runtuh..kalau dia still nak maintainkan ego dia tu...

Dari siasatan CSI aku yang dah berpuluh tahun ni...ada lelaki yg ungsangkarable dan sangkarable.
hari ni (13/4/11) baru ada mood nak sambong citer ni. since x de buat ape ape except menunggu feedback for my questionnaire yg entah bila bila la diorng ni nak bagi.. Ni nak melencong la sket..companies yg kita pegi ni..sombong sombong semuanay, x de satu pun yg nak layan..nak jummpa pun susah, apa lagi nak telepon.  PA (personal assistant) kalau cakap dlm tepon.....mak aiii mcm dia yg jadi manager...sombong nyer...x pa..aku sabar jer..
Semuanya takut nak isi q/a tu...ntah apa yg takot pun x tau la...eventhough i hv explained that the results bukan lah specifically on the co itself but GLC as a whole...ai yoo....dorang ni sombong sombong dan tak nakmenolong org yang betul betul memerlukan.  Bila dah bagi borang.pulak...nak isi..mak aiii mcm kete lembu..janji nak bagi hari ni ...bila telefon  bali...these are exuses yg memang x masuk akal
1. esok la
2.   lusa la lupa nak isi
3. minggu depan la...diorg blum isi
4. bulan depan sebab kita orang nak gi outstation.. (aii mcm lah aku ni bodo..semua org ke outstatin?)
5. , belum isila..boss x setuju (hai kalau macam ni, bila la org melayu nak maju)
7.  I cuti la this wee,next week, hari ni, esok sampai minggu depan...arrrghhh rasa nak baling tepon ni..
8. ibaru balik dari seminar or kursus
9. i baru balik dari kursus dan x tengok lagi q/a tu.
10.  I ada meeting, sebok...( ha ha mcm la meeting tu 24/7)
11.  i belum tengok lagi...


ha tu la dia..mende mende yg buat PhD ni.. PERMANENT HEAD DAMAGE..


OK LA TUTUP BAB BAB NI..JANJI TADI NAK CKP PASAL JENIS JENIS ORG LELAKI KAN..OK..
Yup..now baru ada feeling nak tulis pasal ni..ok baca betul betul kerana ini adalah pendapat saya sahaja..dan tidak ada kene mengena dengan yg hidup ataupun yg mati.  Aku rasa terpanggil dan tercabar nak tulis pasal ni sebab ada KAWAN (si mamat ni la) yang mencabar jiwa raga aku.  So her it is...baca jgn x baca...

1.  jenis mat rock. - mat rock ni kalau tengok mata kasar la..memang ganaz orgnya..tapi pada hakikatnya jenis mat rock ni mempunyai jiwa yg romantik, lembut dan sayang pada wanita..apatah lagi awek specialnya.  Oleh kerana mereka ni ala ala "ada hati dalam taman"  depa nak tutupkan kelemahan ala ala pompuan tu dengan penampilan yang nampak kasar dan macho dan cool...kononnyer la...itu pendapat mat rock...yang rock tu cool..tapi pada aku...rock bukan cool...selekeh...kecuali rock yg bersih jeans, tees and kasutnya..plus rambut walaupun panjang, tapi nampak wangi dan selalu steam rambut...tu..baru cool...bley tau kot yg basuh dan steam rambut dengan yg x pernah basuh or mandi basah kepala jer....busuk...Mat rock luaran nampak ganaz dan kekadang cam "pero..." pun ada, jgn salah pilih.. Kalau dpat yg cool...weiii romantik gilerrrr..

2.  jenis mat kental - mat kental ni.. (sblum ape ape, cuma nak buat pengumuman dan war war kan yang they are not my taste, x kuasa nak layan) he he...orgnya .... pergh!!! memang 24/7 macho..kemas, baju memang nak lengan panjang, seluar kalau boleh ikut colour baju...dan ada yang sanggup pakai  pants warna puteh kot...eeiii ...(kalau ikut ocassion x per la) ini nak gi dating pun pakai pants rona puteh...)  sumpah aku rasa x selesa kot ngan mamat  cap kental ni..kalau pakai tie pun 24/7..Pegi lunch pun x akan tanggal tie dia tu...siap kafling lagi kemeja tu..Aku rasa kalau dalam pejabat dia memang bangsa kene pakai kot...dengan kot kot sekali dia pakai masa lunch tengah hari buta tu...n plus + dont leave home without sunglass, trademark...rambut selembut kapas...(nampak jer wangi dan bersih) tapi depa ni sebenarnya luaran jer nampak bersih dan wangi...bila tengok bilik dan bathroom...x pemilik bathroom tu ialah mat kental tadi...(aku berani ckp ni sebab dah pernah tengok beberapa kes..masa blaja kat u eh...dulu)  perghhh!! x sanggup..

3. jenis mat metro -tetiba nak sambung tulis pasal mat metro ni pulak...mat metro ni kalau nak kenal...dia akan ikut kalau pompuan pergi tengok toiletries, make-ups, baju, ke mcm mcm la yg ada kene mengena dengan bab bab kecantikan...n yang paling obvious sekali...dia akan kata...i pakai jenama so n so...utk muka...i suka minyak wangi ni....i suka jenama ni...haaaaa...sah mat metro..bukan mat kental and mat rock..x pakai semua ni...tapi depa ni x berapa nak bincang bab bab ni kat pompuan...tapi mat metro...pantang....pantang bukak citer citer kecantikan..dia akan sampok... he he..kekadang seronok gak layan....dan terbayang bayang..mat metro belek belek muka depan cermin...Bab baju pula...pergh!!! up to date..kekadng kita pompuan plak yg ketinggalan ketapi...dia naik monorel..kita naik komuter...Satu yg saya suka kat mat metro...dia memang bersih,, bau wangi..ntah apa yg depa pakai...yang jenis as moustache tu...hijau jer dagu dia...nampak fresh...Lagi satu, bila makan kalau tepercik sket kuah atau ape ape la kat baju dia...dia akan ckp..."damn"  dan pergi bersih kan...kalau Mat rock,, dia buat x tau jer, kalau mat kental...dia akan bersih kan juga...mat metro lagi la.....ala ala model gitu...

4. jenis mat selamba