Before starting to write...i took a very deep breath and sigh!!!... idk why...hearing n mentioning the word thesis and "permanent head damage" (PhD) really make my brain SERABUT....why ... why...why...idk. Partially maybe I've been working on it for 2 1/2 challenging years with a sleeping supevisor, no clue whether i am on the right track, nobody cares what i am doing.. (of course la kan...siapa peduli), and with all the "things" that i had to go through, constructing the new instrument, distributing it for the pilot study, and analyzing it. Again..to get the actual data, i hv to distribute to the actual respondents which took about 3 months to collect it back ...PERSONALLY..ya ALLAH ..bersyukurnya engkau berikan aku tahap kesabaran yang agak tahap gaban jugalah and again analyzing it. Not mentioning that i explored all the UNIV library to get info for my conceptual framework. And... and...and...hmmm the worst part was when i lost all my 1 year journals, articles, proposal that i hv collected and written I cried day and night, i think if it allows blood to flow, boleh kot air mata darah. I have to start all over again and reminding myself.."ROZILAH...NEXT TIME PLEASE SAVE YOUR WORK IMMEDIATELY" lepas tulis jer terus save, save, save. And i start to save (until now) one in my C drive, another one in my D drive, in my external disk, send whatever i have written to my emailssss..., and not to forget the DROPBOX. Macam nak giler when every end of the day u hv to save it everywhere, even though the process is just like taking a breath. With all these i started to concur what others PhD candidates had quoted "PhD IS A LONELY JOURNEY"...believe me it is..it is and it is. For the first 6 months I rejected the Hypothesis..and now kinda accepting the Hyhpothesis.
I started to neglect my house chores, my cooking, my small garden and my precious family. I remember my illegal supervisor, Dr. Ismael (haha i said illegal becoz uitm did not approve him to be my co-supervisor but i still consult him, Who cares right! as long as i can finish my thesis), "Rozilah...forget about yr hobbies, entertainments, fav channels, cooking, husband and children too.."gulp"..focus on yr thesis please." and i like...No way...i need the entertainments..and especially my family. He was mumbling about seeing my pictures through my fb wall.."pergi tengok bola la, celebrating bday la..jalan jalan here an there" and u know what from that day onwards i limit myself to post any pictures of me with any events or entertainments i involved with....ha ha...tipuu kan...pergi juga but this time...i always beg my friends not to post any pictures of me having fun. I met Dr Ismael in one of the conferences that i went. He is a palestine, a very hard working guy and kind too. He was the one who directed me to the tunnel and alhamdulillah i start to see the light of the tunnel at the end of it. A small tiny dot light and I realize I still hv a long journey to reach there and need to work and get it done!
My hubby is very helpful. .thank you very much..love you.. (banyak tolong sgt sgt) and masyaALLAH he understands well why i start to neglect everything at home..(tolong buat house chores, if he sees me writing and working on it, walaupun sometimes aku ber FB. he he). To my children...minta maaf banyak banyak..sebab dah lama x pergi holidays...hmmm nanti lepas habis phd mama ni kita gi holiday ok...My good friend yg x boleh lupa..NER... YA ALLLAH...kau saja yg boleh balas budi dia.. she helps me a LOT...Thank you ner..JASA Mu di kenang. My other good friend SHEREEN who continuously giving me info and teaching me here and there..shereen who drives me on what to do next....tqvm dek...but nowadays..she is also busy with her data..and i start to lose her. Both of us "banyak criter" to share..love it! Miss her company too..
And now...i am continuously writing day and night to reach the end of the tunnel..and hope to see more lights in the tunnel....tqvm Dr. Ismael who really cares what i am doing now.... Ya ALLah, sesungguhnya aku bersyukur keranadoa doa ku yang telah diperkenankan...tiada yg lebih mengetahui selain dari KAU yang SATU.. Alhamdulilah....